Who’s behind the big door, then?
Missy? Master? Too obvious?
OK, a terrifying creature who lives on another planet? Nah, Trump’s too busy!
Love a cliffhanger, don’t you? Also love it when and episode of Dr Who (Saturday, BBBC, 7.30 pm) is proper, dive-behind-the-sofa creepy. And when there ‘s a brilliant cameo.
But putting David Suchet aside for a moment, that partially-shredded boy’s unseeing eyes and those twig fingers curling round the dressing screen were what the term ‘heebie jeebies’ was made for.
Suchet was deliciously chilling, if glaringly obvious, as the landlord from hell. Ghastly ochre complexion, dead eyes beneath Fu Manchu eyebrows and a coat the colour of three-week-old dried blood. Weirdo written all over him.
So, it was time to suspend disbelief as Bill, and her pop-up collection of geeky mates (heavy-handedness again, this time with the diversity thing, shoehorning in freakishly-tall, foreign and frail, Scottish, goggle-eyed, Brummie, etc.) failed to notice they were moving in with a psycho. Into a house straight out of Amityville.
Anyway, they settled in. Bill, just like every young student across the land, put a photo of her mum above her bed before fighting off the advances of Mr Tall, who was never going to be Mr Right, because she’s looking for Miss Right. Right?
Yes, it’s fine, we get it now.
Surprise, surprise, the house was very, very bad. And I don’t mean wall-to-wall laminate, polyester cushions, gold buddahs and vanilla diffusers bad, I mean it was evil. It ate children and everything. Brought a whole new meaning to a dark wood-finish.
It spewed out colonies of Cornish-pasty-sized woodlice which swallowed much of the geek squad whole to help ‘feed’ the landlord’s terrifying daughter, who turned out to be a close relative to the Cuprinol Man and proud owner of those twiggy appendages. Then she turned out to be his mother. She was the actual family tree!
Families were the order of the night as BGT (also Saturday, ITV, 8pm) wheeled several out.
A father and daughter sang some very mediocre opera, but they fooled the judges into believing they were witnessing an amazing piece of culcha, because they all did that pretend-crying, standy-up thing and gave them four ‘yeses’.
A mother and daughter performed an appalling duet that, amazingly, didn’t fool the judges, who sent them back to torture people in hotels.
A boy sang an odd, maudlin, self-penned song about having his hair ruffled by his nan who has dementia. Least said, soonest mended.
The best act by a mile was the bendy green aliens, who also fooled the judges. This time into believing that they were from Russia, when anyone watching could tell they were straight off Dr Who!